Me and my hubby have been married for 21 months. We are both young, me being 21 and him being 23.
Anyways, as of late we have been fighting quite a bit. Last night he even yelled about going our seperate ways and he left. Although he only went 2 blocks and called me from his car saying he was sorry. He came back in 15 min.
With all this fighting I don’t know what to do. I am beginning to think that we got married too young. But I can’t go back in time and I don’t want to have regrets. I know we love each other, but marriage is more than love sometimes.
What is there for me to do? For us to do? He suggested marriage counseling….but as we are young, spending money on bills is tough as it is.
My main problems deal with him being too controlling. He gets jelous of me spending time with the pets. He gets upset when I go to classes because he thinks I am ‘dressing up’. (I can assure you that I dress appropriately at all times.) I am not doing anything wrong, yet I feel as though I am
Need Honest Marriage Advice—am I Being Awful?
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December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
If you have a man that is willing to go to marriage counseling, then find a way to do it..most men will refuse this -he sounds like he wants to try to make it work.
You don’t want any regrets in the end, so exhaust every possibility you can before calling it quits. Everyone would expect you two to fail at your age, don’t give it to them. You guys can make it work if you truly want to.
You mentioned you are in school? Alot of colleges offer free counseling - check into this, even at a community college, there are services for students and spouses for counseling, etc. if they need it.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
23 year old guys are generally quite immature–not much better than teenagers. You need to get him to act like a grownup…counseling could help, but he probably won’t really be mature until his early 30s.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
I think counseling is the key. I know you think you might not have enough money, but you might be surprised. Some therapists offer what is called a “sliding scale” which works with you depending on how much money you make. My wife and I attended pre-marital counseling on a sliding scale, and our appointments were only $40 for an hour session. For this price we were seeing someone who was working on his hours to get his license, but he was fantastic.
Check around before you make the assumption that you can’t afford it! You might be surprised! I am a big believer in therapy and pre-marital definitely helped our communication!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Listen, girl. You’re not “too young”. You are having problems that every newley married couple has no matter how old or young.
First, take responsibility for your own faults. That is the first step. Maybe you have said things you regret or done things you wish you hadn’t done. Every woman gets a little heated with her hubby sometimes so it’s not uncommon to say things we don’t mean. After all, he IS the person you are most comfortable with, right?
Secondly, you need to relax. Don’t allow an argument to begin and it won’t. If you feel yourself getting mad, stop. Go take a hot bath or read a book in a private space until you cool off enough to talk things out.
You need to calmly discuss what is bothering you. I always say go to a restaurant to discuss these things because it is there that you cannot be loud or mean to eachother without everyone seeing. Discussing things over a nice meal always tends to evoke calmer words, lighter tones.
Marriage counseling is usually offered through many churches for free with a pastor. Call your pastor, or a local church and see if they will give you some time. I am sure that there is one around you that can help.
I believe that with a little effort and discussion you CAN make this work. It’s normal what you two are going through and if you can understand that you are both feeling the same insecurities that all newlyweds feel then it will make this seem a lot easier.
Communication is key so talk to eachother, and talk to someone who can give you marital guidance and you will be fine.
Remember to choose your words and actions very carefully. Pick your battles and be as loving and caring to your new husband as you can and he will respond with the same nurturing tone.
Good luck, dear.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
been there , done that ! !! what else can i say!
there are only 2 things that a couple fight over…….
money and sex………..
everything will boil down to one or the other all else will wind up being nothing to fight over.
it seems you have a lil of both working against you at this point , your bills are high and you live pay check to pay check and are just able to make ends meet (if you can).
and the other is ..he is jelouse of the way you look when you go to school! Hmmm yeah been there done that too!
as i saw in one other post , if you pay attention to the pets more than him i think you might have a situation there also , you should know that the pets come after everything else ..as a father the only thing i let come before me was my children!
you are now in a 2 way street ..half for you and half for him ! and you must plan every thing that way.
if he is overcontrolling , then look as to why ? is there a real reason for this or is it he just feels he should be the one to enforce the rules set forth by him? i am very controling as my wife seems to think we are the bank of america and just because we have blank checks in the book we still have money ! yeah even after 32 years of marriage , that is still the case ….her problem is …simple …she spends what we make before we have the pay check in hand , hence we are always broke! that is where i step in and control the rest i pay the bills!
so i guess i have to say is ……….
look close as the reason you are fighting , that is normal and see what it wiil take to fix this one ! dont let the small stuff wreck a good thing , most fights are over stupid things anyway! never go to bed mad at each other , kiss and make up before you sleep ! it works wonders for a lasting marriage.
0h and as for you being too young to have goten married…not even ! ! ! and yes “ALL” humans get stupid after 21 ! ! that is when we find out we really dont know everything! Yes for some it does take a lil longer than others but it does happen to us all! ! !
men are no different than women in that respect!
good luck and hope you a boat load more years together !
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
I have been married for 20 years and I got married when I was 19 and was 21. It’s a huge adjustment and you just have to work through the small problems you are having. You can do that wwithout counseling in my opinion. 1st of all you need to pick and choose your battles. You both need to not let the small things bother you so much. For example: If he leaves the lid up or leaves his clothes laying around that is not worth fighting over.On the other hand if he is jealous maybe you could take him to class with you just once and introduce him to everyone. That may make him feel better. It boils down to this. GIve and take from bothe parties and lots of trust and mutual respect. Remember anything worth having is worth working for. I hope you have many more years of happiness!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Where is the trust?? It just seems like he doesnt have a lot of confidence in your marriage when it comes to you going to class or even getting jealous when it comes to the pets! That’s unheard of. I feel that you should reassure him that he has nothing to worry about when it comes to trusting you. You arent doing ANYTHING wrong, trust me…he just needs to see where he stands in this marriage. I feel that he still has a “we’re in a boyfriend/girlfriend” type of relationship and not a marriage. It just seems that he wants more attention towards him and not towards your other hobbies and time constraints. I suggest you and him sit down and talk about it instead of getting a marriage counselor. If he feels like you dress up too much just to go to class then ask him what you should be wearing…maybe you and him can agree on something. And with the pets, maybe you should invite him to take the pets walking or going to a park to play with them..that way he wont feel neglected nor left out.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
there is always going to be problems in marriage but u gotta stick at it and work them out coz if u give up then u will regret it.
everyone goes through bad patches and try to sort things together before going to a counseller!
u didnt get married to young if u thought it was the right time then it must of been.
so just try to be strong and work at it and in the end u will feel so much better when its all sorted!!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
First, yes, you indeed married too young, but not necessarily in age, but in maturity…. From this little posting, you — neither of you— have the language of compromise. There for sure is a difference between getting your problems out there on the table for discussion, and fighting, everything ending up in rage and resentment, which is where you are…. sad. We ought to teach communication in hs, since lots of folks never get into college to take these classes. And as well, if this was how each of your parents settle differences, you know no other pattern.
Let me explain.
There is a whole lot of difference between, ” What the f (l)uck is going on? You come home late, out with your buddies, I get no phone call, and think your dead. Are you trying to be stupid? I just hate it when you do that!!!” and, ” Gee George, I have problems not knowing where you are, and not knowing who to call when you aren’t here and you told me you would be. What would you suggest we do to keep track of each other?” In the first instance, you are just blowing up, and being insulting, and you will get an insulting remark back. In the second you are showing concern and ownership of the problem as well as ownership of the solution…. no one’s ego is getting trounced. See the difference?
” Gee Martha, you spend more f (l) uck(ing) time with those dogs that me, you are just one totally sick bi tc(h),” and “If the dogs are okay, could you find time to help me finish this work with this bookshelf?”
Hon, whether or not you can afford it, you do need a few sessions of counseling to learn the language of communicating without insulting each other.. From this, you don’t have that language.. And you can plead that you have no money. Then save your money, and watch your marriage erode with cutting comments, jelousy and rage, and be $500 buckos richer…. rather your choice…. When you are both yelling at each other, you are eroding your relationship, bit by bit. And that is baby stuff. You are now a married adult. And if you do not learn the language of respect and communication, this marriage will fail, and so will every other relationship you will enter into…
He is controlling because of one of two reasons: He is insecure about his own masculinity, or he is insecure of your feelings toward him… Both of these need some counseling sweetie. If he is insecure about EVERYTHING you do, you for sure had a whiff of this before you married him….., hon, that is a personality defect, big time, and that as well needs some help.
In summary, you two about have no choice but to get 5 or 6 sessions of counseling. Your relationship will continue to be miserable, since neither of you have to tools to communicate…..neither of you have what it takes to make this marriage work… Hon, get some help. Do it for your marriage… and take pencils and paper. You have lots to learn. There is nothing more wonderful that to be in a loving, trusting marriage. You two will only be able to do that with help… Good luck, sweetie.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
I love Amber’s answer, that is so true, you thought you were old enough when you said “I do” but now your not so sure. Happens all the time. If you dont have kids cut your ties move on and chalk it up to immaturity, if you have kids try counseling, regarless of cost it is cheaper than divorce and might just be worth it.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
I’ve been married for the same length of time and have experienced this. With prayer, things have gotten better. Stick it out girlfriend! Marraige is wonderful, and it’s the trials that make it stronger. Learn to laugh at yourself and at your spouse. Me and my husband have gone to counseling with our Pastor, and he didn’t want to go at first, but it really helped us. Your man is going to be somewhat controlling at first, because this is all new to him, but he will grow more secure as time passes and he sees that you are faithful. Try the counseling! You’ve got a good man who wants to work at it, and that’s rare these days. Best wishes.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
No you are not awful…but you did marry at a very young age….you and your husband made a commitment to one another….I would still suggest a marriage counselor…you may have to tighten the budget even more…but your marriage should be top priority. Your husband has some major trust issues that need to be resolved in order for this marriage to work…best of luck to you!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Communication….duh.
Talk to each other and listen to what the other has to say.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
there are a lot of emotional issues at play here. If the both of you are serious about saving the realtionship, seek counseling. From a man’s point of view, I went thourgh a similar situation. I felt that I wasn’t capable of keeping our sex life as hot as it was when it started. It is a frustrating thing and because of “machismo” it prevented any meaningful dialouge. Try surprising him with only lit candles and the both of you nude. Have some “love lotions” handy and just try to hold off and talk about everything the both of you are concerned about. Hopefully it will be a good start. Try changing to different parts of the house, but, keep at it till the anxiety subsides. Good luck. P.S. The other thing that became a road block was she wasn’t taking any birth control. It was always in the back of my mind and interfered with my sex drive.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
First of all, you can’t do anything about the past. Dwelling on whether or not you were married too young, has absolutely nothing to do with your present state of well being in your marriage.
Secondly, he has spoken right when proposing to go to marraige counseling. The concern i have is that you mentioned that it would be tough to do the counseling.
Scrap McDonalds meals, learn how to share you meals, and scrape up the finances to do what is or should be the most IMPORTANT financial obligation; your marriage, and whatever it takes to keep it.
In dealing with couples in crisis, the talks of him being controlling, etc. and the arguing so much, can all be dealt with. In most cases, it’s all misunderstandings, and a huge need to learn how to communicate, which involves hearing what the other is saying rather than what our own filters interpret.
Get to counseling asap, and do NOT include your friends as part of your marriage counseling. Your husband, not friends or family, is the one to focus on.http://www.splashdesignworks.com
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
You both have growing up to do. Yes you did got married to young but that in the past now. In a marriage you have to find time for eveything, if marriage counseling is to expensive try talking to your local clergy, paster its free and they can assist. His jeolousy and controlling has to stop period. Marriage is based on trust. As for your bills you both have to make a budget and list everything you owe (rent, utilites, transp to work etc) and budget and cut down on other areas you be surprise when you list on paper where you spend your money. Cut down on eating out, movies etc. Either you both get help it your marriage wont last.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Yeah, too young.
Anyway, you DO need counseling. This means an independant 3rd party, not a relative or friend of either of yours. My advice would be your pastor/ministor/priest. If you don’t have one, get one. Love is all you need to be happy. If he truly loves you, he will sacrifice for you and put you first, as you will for him and all will be right with the world. Both of you go to church and find out what love is.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
That’s the problem with most kids these days? Think before you jump into the situation! .. Shoulda thought about being “too young” before walking down th isle! Get out now, luckily you don;t have kids or you be stuck
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Whenever someone gets married it is an ajustment to your life. It dosen’t matter if you get married at 21 or 81. First of all you both have to realize that most couples will have arguments. It dosen’t mean you don’t love each other, it just means you don’t know how to communicate without getting angry.
Don’t let these arguments get to the point where someone is leaving, unless you are willing to walk away forever. Communication is the key to a good marriage. I’m not saying there aren’t times when you are so mad you can’t see straight. There are going to be those times. But you need to take a time out and cool down before you talk about what is going on.
Your husband is your partner. You should be able to discuss how you are feeling with him just about at all times. Even the gross stuff…LOL
Most men at 23 can be immiture. As far as wanting to spend time with you….do you want to spend time with him? Are you pushing him away for some reason? And the clothes thing? What does he want you to wear? Sounds like he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world and he is afraid someone else will see it too. That spells insecurity on his part.
I’d go with the counseling. It takes a real guy to admit he would like to go and as you will be surprised to learn what can be brought out in counseling I reccomend that you go. It may be expensive but in the long run holding on to your marriage is a bigger investment.
Good luck to you both. I hope everything works out for you.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
your Hubby just needs to make sure that you are there for him. Things are new still. The first couple of years will be the hardest. Hang in there and just let him know that you are there for him. He should come first and before the dogs. Heck get him a new puppy. LOL
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
go to counseling. If it does not help—leave him. You guys were too young when you tied the knot.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Two things probably head my list of ‘things to do’ –
- Study what the Bible has to say about the subject of marriage. While there is a LOT of information on the topic, I would suggest particular attention to Numbers 30 - the whole chapter, especially for your husband to understand. Vows, or improper things we say, can be very harmful.
- Learn to pray together - especially when you have an argument.
May God bless,