I want to know if i should try marriage counseling for a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. We have 2 small children and we have been together for a long time considering I’m only 33. I have been preparing to leave but I don’t want to feel like I didn’t give it my all before leaving. I hear that abusers rarely change but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wonder in retrospect after I’ve already left if this marriage could’ve been saved or not. When he’s an asshole he is the ultimate asshole. He is also the sweetest most loving man when he’s not the asshole and a great provider.
I am in individual counseling and she’s really helping me understand and build my self esteem and I’ve become more spirtitual(which is making me wonder if I should try to salvage this marriage). Mind you, I know that I would be the one who has to initiate the counseling, but I’m quite sure that he would go. Please help!
Should I Go To Marriage Counseling For A 12 Year Verbal/emotional Abusive Marriage Before I File For A Divorce
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January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Sigh. Tough call.
If you believe that he would go for counseling (and would actually be open to seeing his own problems and changing his behavior), and if you think you will always wonder whether the marriage could have been saved if you had merely tried counseling, then because of that (and because you have two kids) I would say do it.
Stick with your counselor and keep getting their support. The road won’t be easy. I admire you for considering the possibilty of counseling, when many other people would just cut and run (and somewhat for good reason). The way you are wrestling with this problem shows (well, at least in my sight) that your heart is on the right track.
How much have you confronted him in the past about his behavior? Does he truly understand (1) what he is doing and (2) how it makes you feel?
You are trying to discern his heart and willingness to try here. To me, that would mean that he needs to understand what is at stake and the effects of his behavior on yourself and your kids.
If he does understand all that, and he refuses to attend counseling or doesn’t take it seriously, and he continues to abuse you, then I would probably proceed with separation.
Keep praying for yourself and your family, and be brave. Keep getting your counselor’s support. You can navigate through this.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Well you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Best of luck to you!!
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Leave NOW
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I have two questions 1. Will he go to a marriage counselor?
2.Do you think he will change after all this time?
I am not telling you to leave him, but I believe your marriage will coninue as it is. Can you stand it?
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
The first question is… Do you think you and your children will be safe with him while he’s in counseling?
My suggestion would be to discuss the counseling with him when he’s in a good mood. Don’t make it an ultimatum… Like don’t say, “If you don’t do this, I will leave.” Men very rarely respond to threats but an abuser may become more abusive. Then if he says no… Wait until he’s at work, grab the kids, whatever you can carry and run like hell!!
God bless.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
take exit before it is too late u will definitely meet your soul mate.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I think you already know what the answer to this question is. I think you should move on. My mother was married to my dad for 23 years and he was abusive the whole time. He swore he woudl change for many years and never did. It’s now or never. But be careful. he may grow to resent you tremendously if you leave and you need to be prepared for that. I am 32 and I woudl never tolerate that behavior from my husband. Why should you. 12 years of trying is enough. You have already “tried” and it isn’t working. Good Luck to you and the kids. Be safe….God Bless you and stay strong.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Hell yeah. And you have 2 small kids. You need to exhause all avenues. Don’t fall for this fast-food/get-divorced-quick/quiter society/mob-mentality.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I guess u have two choices ,get him involved or leave. No one should be subjected to abuse of any kind,regardless.A tough decision,but I’m sure u will make the right call.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Yes! Absolutely go to counseling. The fact that you are becoming more spiritual is probably what is helping you realize that there is an answer outside of yourself. I was there at one point in my marriage. We wanted a divorce right away but were counseled to stay together and fight. We were given the tools to make the marriage work and it didn’t cost us a penny!
Mind you, we were also in a physically marriage. Everyone said we weren’t meant to be together and he was never going to change. I needed to change, too. A very wise man helped us through and continues to keep up with us. He taught us principles to live by and we have stuck by them. Now we are together. The abuse is GONE and we have just founded a non-profit organization to help marriages and families together.
I have seen several couples in even more extreme circumstances reconcile their marriages and there is definitely hope if you choose to make it work. I have done it myself. I have seen others through it and it is grueling but it can be done.
It is not God’s will for you to stay in an abusive marriage that is why he gives us principles that we can apply to our marriages to end the abuse. Most people just want out of the pain and don’t realize that it isn’t the marriage but the hurt that needs to go away.
You can do it!
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Live with no regret and try the counseling if your husband agrees. A great deal can be achieved. It won’t sort out everything. But if it only comforts you that you have done all you can, then do. That is my best advice and that comes from someone who is getting prepared to separate herself.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Men like that don’t really want to change. They are too self absorbed to know what love is. I don’t think counselling will help because he doesn’t really believe he needs to change. He thinks its all you.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
If he will go to counselling with you, give it a try. If he won’t, then he doesn’t see that the problem is with him, and you should leave before it gets worse. Your children are witnessing his behavior and they will think this is the way men are suppossed to act.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
NO!!!!!!
get out now…….counseling is a sham………..
12 years of abuse cannot be fixed……….
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Leave him NOW. You and your children deserve far better than a man who abuses you.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
It dosen’t hurt to try. Try all the options before you get divorce. if there are kids involved think of them. Divorce will affect your kids. But if you tried everything and nothing works then leave. You did your part. Don’t live a miserable life either…..
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Sure try marriage counseling! Wife and Husband both need to be present and work things with professional help out!
Divorce is not the solution!
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
The man has so many problems dont get a divorce. Leave the house with your children and go stay somewhere else. Tell him until he cleans up his act, u r gone when he gets counciling and gets some serious help then u will come back.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
My wife of 25 years started counseling and they dug up her childhood molestation. Now I’m supposed to be the emotional abuser. My wife wants to divorce because she is getting self esteem. I have 4 children and I love her to death. Listen to me. If you break your vow (you made it to God just as much as your husband) you will stand before him some day to give an account of why you broke your vow to him. Please talk to your husband. Share your heart and your love. But him Dr. Dobson’s “What every wife wished their husbands knew about women”. It did wonders for my understanding of how to meet my wife’s needs. Us guys need help. Work with us. Please don’t be a statistic. I will pray for you.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Definately!! Marriage Counseling helps, It’s there for a good reason. If you say it doesn’t help maybe it’s because ONE or the OTHER did not realize where they failed in the relationship. He needs to understand where he has failed you in order for him to change, Otherwise it will never happen. Marriage Counseling can also help the Children cope with the problem, you will learn how to deal with the situation in the future. I went thru it when I was younger and pregnant from my second child.I found it helpful and I know I gave it all I had, and I have no regrets about dissolving the marriage. I understood it wasn’t gonna work so I had to walk away. I am know 30 yrs old and my 2 boys live with me, They are my everything. He remarried and continues to be in abusive relationship.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
You can ask your husband to go to counseling, but if he says he won’t go, GET OUT NOW!
NO ONE deserves to live in an abusive relationship no matter what! You have it right, abusers seldom change. If he really loves you and wants to change, and shows that he WILL change, you can always go back. You don’t have to file for divorce immediately. But get out and then let him see that you are serious about not putting up with the abuse.
It’s great that you have been to counseling. It will help you deal with life on your own. I know this from experience.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I’ve been in a 9 year marriage with a similar type of man. I have no kids.
I recently left him and we tried marriage counselling. He has started to realize I meant what I said.
I’m still trying to save this marriage, but my heart is broken because of it. Try the counselling if you think he will go. It sounds as if you’re being lead to do it. Try all the options before ending it. Then you will know that you did everything if it still doesn’t work.
My prayers are with you and all of us going through this mess. It hurts so much to live like this, when all you wanted was a loving marriage. My heart goes out to you.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Have you ever heard the expression “You don’t know what you have until you lose it?” I know someone who was verbally abused by her husband for thirty years. She decided to leave him, and within weeks he realized just how special she was and how much he needed her. After a couple of months of seperation, she decided her marriage was worth a second chance. They are back together and he treats her better than ever. Your husband (even if you tell him) probably doesn’t realize just how much he’s hurting you. Counseling is a great idea for the two of you, but if it doesn’t work…there’s always the route my friend took.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
try and ask him to see if hes interested, but be prepared for another hollering. Chances if you do get him to go he will probably lie thru his eye teeth because its really hard for an abuser to admit he done wrong and seek help, Typicalmale reaction. Only you can decide when enoughs enough and decide there a better life out there for you and your children. All states will award you custody of your children and child support especially under these conditions. Once you file for divorce get your atty to file a motion to get him removed from your house and a restraining order to keep him away from you and your children for protective reasons. Nothing good is going to come out of trying to stay with him, and you deserve better, someone who will respect and treat you like a princess, not someone who takes his lifes shortcomings out on you. Trust me there are better out there, just be patient but first get out of that abusive marriage and move on, if only foer your kids sake. Your counselor or other help groups will help you if you need it. If you need some more help or have questions,email me, good luck
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
You’ve already put in 12 years. Why not try the counseling? You’ve changed, haven’t you? At least give him the opportunity to do the same before you say goodbye. Then again, is he good to the children? You wouldn’t want them growing up in a home with an abusive parent.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
He needs to go with you to the counseling to find out what triggers this behavior, this can be helpful for both of you. I applaud you for wanting to give it your all before stepping out. But if counseling doesn’t work and he’s not putting forth an effort to change. Hit the road girl and don’t look back.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
If he would be willing to go then try it…after wards you couldn’t say what if! If you can tell that it is not helping then go forward with the divorce. There should be no reason you should have to go through that any longer, nor your kids. Think about the kids too!
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
If he will go with you and give it an honest effort, I say do it. If it works, you have salvaged your relationship. If it doesn’t you will never have to look back and wonder whether you could have done more to save it.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:03 am
If he is open to counseling then you should definitely try it! One thing to look at is ‘why’ is he being abusive? Does he drink and get abusive or is it just his personality?
You definitely don’t want your small children to grow up and think that this behavior is okay, and that should be your biggest concern. My husband had a drinking problem and was verbally abusive, and with two daughters, I couldn’t risk them being treated like this in the future…I also knew that I deserved better even though I knew he was a good man when he wasn’t drinking. So he got counseling and hasn’t drank in 4 years and our marriage is just the way it should be.
You and your kids come first, not his insecurities.