has not helped us like we thought it would. He’s been emotionally abusive in the past but it’s gotten better, but I’m weary to move forward and have kids with this man. He didn’t even spend Christmas with me this year. Has anyone else ever been in this situation - where you have a little hope left to mend things but don’t know if it’s worth it? What did you do?
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February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Only you can answer that question. You need to know when you have had enough. It sounds like he has other things going on if he wasen’t even there for Christmas. If he is abusive at all, it’s not worth staying around. You can start over and find someone that you deserve.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
I just looked through your prior questions and, to be a bit blunt, you’re asking about this too much. In other words, it’s obvious you’re trying to find the key to give you the courage to walk away from someone who clearly isn’t what you thought he’d be, and even more clearly isn’t what anyone would want
You’re also changing the story a bit. In a prior question, you said things are better only because the 2 of you aren’t talking about it any more. So you’re also playing head games with yourself when this question alludes to “things being better”. Inability to communicate is never better.
You also don’t have a “little hope” left that this can work. What you have is a lack of courage to make the change. I’m not being mean, because it’s always scary. But don’t confuse it with hope. If you really can’t force yourself to walk away, stop with couples counseling and get individual counseling. Because a healthy woman simply would not have stuck by this guy. This isn’t love.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
I have a similar experience with my wife. although we also have a young daughter. My wife is the one who has been emotionally abusive even recently. For NYE she wanted to go out without me because she didn’t feel comfortable with an argument we had a few days prior (just a minor example). Leaves me cold about the state of our relationship.
So I did some big thinking while in bed at 11pm on new year’s eve. I am being a victim here. I see this person abusing me because of my own sh!t. I also don’t play nice all the time and maybe she is seeing me the same way. We often react to ourselves in others you know. That person is my wife. She loves me. She does not see it the way I do and I am being insecure and sad. I am going to make this year, the year she falls in love with me again because she deserves it.
Because the alternative is sadness and destruction and although we all like a bit of drama in our lives, let’s not kid ourselves, this is not a Hollywood movie. it is your life and if you don’t give it you utmost best shot at making this thing work, then you will regret it one day.
It takes courage to leave. It takes more courage to stand up in the face of adversity and set things straight for yourself within that environment.
Good luck.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
If marriage counseling has not helped and he didn’t even spend Christmas together —you have to weigh out if staying is worth it.
At this point the stakes are limited because you do not have kids.
Ask yourself–what needs to change for you two to stay together—and is that going to happen? If there is a snowball’s chance in hell -that things will not change-then I say –get a divorce and then stay single for 6 months to a year to figure you out and heal.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
If you have done all you can to repair your marriage and it still isn’t working out, then it might just be time to end it. Do not have kids, hoping this will make things better, especially if he has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. Sometimes a marriage really isn’t worth saving. Good luck.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Well, maybe living seperately would help clear your mind….I’m not saying divorce, but if he’s willing to do counseling (and you should give it a good 4-6 months), well that says alot about his character…not many men stick with it…
You fell in love with him once, and you might be surprised what a counselor can reveal about each of you, and rekindle what you’ve had, only better.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
You can save this marriage. But it’s going to take time, effort and forgiveness. He needs to work on himself, he needs to change his bad behaviour and he has something to prove to you. You need to allow him the time to do this. And the forgiveness part comes in because if he does change it will only kill you’re marriage if you toss his old behaviour at him.
Are you up for that? Think about it…
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Realize that marriage is a test to see how selfless one can be even in the face of trial and persecution. Seems like you passed - your husband has failed. How much more do you want him to keep proving his utter failure at being a “husband” to you?
Counseling has failed because he’s not willing to be selfless in much of anything. He is not loving by any sense of the word.
Want to get another perspective on this?
divorcecare.com
(see for yourself what the test really means)
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
your gonna hate yourself later if things go back to the way they were and now you have children involved. its only gonna get worse.
I say divorce him. and spend time find things relearning yourself. if he really cares about you, and improves you can always atleast be friends or fwbs.
if he trivializes things that important to you now,
GL
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Get rid of him, once an abuser….unless he admits it and get help will always be like that and if he spend christmas without you, he doesn’t love you and probably is with someone else already.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
The good part is you’ve got no kids with him and the bad part is once an abuser he stays that way forever.So come on agree to a divorce and get your life again.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Well if you have give it your best shot
an it aint helped ??
Then its probably time to throw the towel in an call it a day
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
I kicked his a.s.s out and divorced him.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am
you havent packed your clothes and left yet?