Please answer ONLY if you have gone through marriage counseling. Did it work for you? Are you still married? What was your opinion?
(btw, I am just really curious about this topic, I am doing Pre-marital counseling, so this does not yet apply to me.)
People Who Have Gone To Marriage Counseling?
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February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
It’s not a fix, but it definitely helps.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
It works if both partners want it to. It does not work for the partner who doesn’t care. It works for the one who thinks it does, whether the marriage stays together or not.
Marriage is a series of negotiations and you live with what you negotiate. Period.
So, if you go into marriage counseling and you learn what you can and can not accept, you end up negotiating what you are willing to accept.
If you go to a counselor and you learn you can not accept [whatever] and the marriage ends, it worked for you and for the union. If you negotiate something you can accept, then the counseling worked.
No, I am not still married. I discovered in the counseling that my husband was truly mentally ill, and what I had negotiated over the 30 years of marriage was not acceptable anymore, to me, or society. I learned it was not a healthy marriage.
It was the most heartbreaking thing anyone could have ever lived through. It had nothing to do with love, I still love him and can forgive him for his behavior.
I guess it depends on what your definition of “worked” is. For me it worked, even though I am no longer married. It had to happen the way it did. And I am a better and wiser individual for it, even though I am not married anymore.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Well, pre-marital counseling is not anything like marriage counseling when your marriage is on the rocks. I do believe that pre-marital counseling is a good idea though. My ex and I went through pre-marital counseling and everything was great for the first 4 years of our marriage. Things changed though when he quit a good paying job to start a business and our first child came. The pressures of me working, lack of money, and his hours and hours of working on his business left both of us stressed and the marital bliss went out the door. We went through marital counseling because he became verbally abusive. The counseling did not improve things between us because he never learned how to handle the stress and continued to take it out on me.
There is no guarantee that any type of counseling will make things perfect. The person receiving the counseling has to apply what they learn, have courage enough to really face their deep rooted feelings (which can be scary for some people) and consistently attend counseling in order for it to work. Plus it is alot of work to change and some people don’t want to do the work.
On the plus side, counseling was great for me. It has helped me with my relationship with my new husband. I learned from my mistakes with my ex. I always recommend counseling for anyone struggling with personal or relationship issues.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
It does have great value. When communication between the two of you breaks down, having a moderator for the communication who helps you stick to what is important, and who helps you see what needs to be changed.
We are still married.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Well you are doing the right thing. My husband and I got married very fast (he is in the military and he wanted to get married before he was sent on his over seas deployment), it bumped up our official date quite a bit. We planed on the pre marital counseling… needless to say we did it AFTER we were married.
I truely believe in it (if you have a good counselor), and you are both open to what they have to say, and you both need to put the effort into applying what you are learnig. It all sounds good, but it doesn’t do a darn thing if all you do is leave your session, go home and don’t apply it.
It is nice to get a 3rd persons oppion and advice (based on thier very own experiences), because sometimes you and your partner just can’t see eye to eye, then someone else comes along and makes it clear, it can bring you two closer together. It can help you discuss issues that will probably arise in your marriage that you never even thought of before, and if you agree now, and know how you will handle certian issues, it can save a lot of heartache and fights down the road.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
I went through it with my ex and we ended up divorcing.
I have gone with my current husband in the past and we are still together and are trying to communicate better. After a few years it can be difficult to over look the issues you did when you are first married.
A lot of the time I think a big part of it is really being willing to try something different when you see that the old way of doing things isn’t working.
Ideally it will take both parties to be willing to look at things differently and both being dedicated to making things better for marriage counseling to work.
Good luck for your wedding and future life with your groom.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
We’ve gone through counseling several times, but still need it. Both people have to want it for it to do any good, my spouse has never been totally into it. Either he worries about the cost, or uses the line we can do it ourselves. So far, that is not working. We did pre-canna counseling and at the time, I thought how lucky we were and how helpful. Now, I wish we had done more and taken what we did that weekend and expanded on it on our own. Good luck.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
i think it has saved our marriage twice. you can email me if you want specifics. my husband was very reluctant at first. after years of asking him to go talk to someone with me, i had all but given up and he agreed to go when i told him i was ready to leave….and our counselor helped me to see that i could have hope in a hopeless situation if i leaned on my commitment to god in my marriage, and my husband was able to see how his behavior was alienating me. over time, we have learned how to communicate more effectively……i really like our counselor, and so does my husband, which is a really big factor in the reason why we still go. not as often, but we’re not afraid to seek help if we feel like our relationship needs a little bit. we’ve been married for 9 years now. best wishes to you!
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
My boyfriend and I went to couples counseling after he cheated on me while we were dating. We’re in our early 40s and yes, it was worth it. It was a cyber sex thing he did and if it wasn’t for the counseling, we wouldn’t be together. He made a mistake and I forgave him. If he ever makes the mistake again, he understands it’s over. We set our absolute boundaries in counseling, we talked over what we expected of each other, what was acceptable behavior and what wasn’t and decided if we could live the life the other person wanted to live. I have to say that although I haven’t forgotten, the forgiveness has happened and he is truly sorry it happened.
February 7th, 2010 at 8:59 am
WASTE of money. Once you get married the only way you can be happy is if you lie to each other and to yourself. Marriage is a lie and doesn’t work for anyone. Don’t believe me look at all the marriages you know are any of them still truly in love?!?!?