Quick introduction: Me, 34 year old biological female, transgender/genderqueer, trying to pass for male. I’ve started binding my breasts, I was already wearing men’s clothing, and even before all this, I was mistaken for a guy constantly. I am not on hormones (to the surprise of some of my friends) and have no interest in reassignment surgery.
Right now, the problem I’m having is that the more steps I’m making towards appearing male, the more I feel like I’m still coming up short. I practice as much as I can, I watch how people move, I notice when I accidentally cross my legs wrong. The more I try to act like a boy, the more I notice the “girl-ness” of a lot of my behaviour.
When I dress like a girl, I feel like a boy dressed wrong. When I dress as a boy, I feel like my girl-ness is giving me away (like some kind of great neon sign!). *sigh* This is all terribly frustrating.
Does anyone else in the TG, TS and GQ community have this problem? How do you deal with it? Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks in advance, as always, respect the poster. <3
Transgender & Genderqueer Question: Not Feeling Boy Enough?
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November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I’ve been having that issue of neon lights lately…. I’m dealing with it poorly and am avoiding leaving my room… not my finest hour.
Really and truly I think for both of us it could be a case of “all in my head” syndrome.
People are going to read what they are going to read no matter what you are putting out there. In my most masculine of hours I’ve had children call me “She”, and days when I feel like nothing more than a big sissy manchild trying on his father’s ties I get people calling me “Sir”.
I just try and push it in the back of my head and remind myself that I’m not putting on an act, I’m just a guy going through my life as best as I can. Whatever comes out naturally is who I am.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
dont try and be more guyish just be yourself and what your comfortable but if you really want to be more guyish just act like yourself and how you wish to be.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I find that myself, As a man, I feel like I am not very masculine, not real hairy, and sort of delicate mannerisms. But in a dress, I feel very self conscious about my height, about my beard, not enough of a shape. I have been told that I am crazy and that I am fine. I think we are our own worst critics. You strive to do the part justice and pass, and you miss the big picture, and focus on the smaller details. Odds are we are the one’s outing ourselves. I look at women and think there is such a variety, shape, size, more/less hairy, and I feel like why can’t I pass, Yet I find myself amidst a group or in the mirror saying, if only this was different. Bottom line, If we are confident, in ourselves, then we probably should just be, and not worry about the small stuff. Sorry its long, hope it helps.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Not trans so am no expert….Just wondering if you try to pass for male w/o the hormones or surgeries, you will one day get caught in a very uncomfortable predicament. How will you change your name, birth certificate, driver’s license, passport, etc. If for some horrible stupid reason you got arrested for something, they would throw you in the men’s holding cell first - until they realized you weren’t YET. You could get hurt really badly.
Please contact the gay center and PFLAG and ask for trans info, organization contacts, and a counselor so you can all your questions. There are a number of orgs in Chicago area that can help you. Ask about Be- ALL. It’s a conference that travels around the country
My best to you.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I don’t think “Being yourself” should make you feel self-conscious. It sounds like you’re just obsessing over it a bit. And if you don’t feel completely male, then hell, why are you trying to be it? I guess if you’re trying to pass as male, then it’s an understandable pressure to do your best. But it sounds like, from your examples, you’re doing a fine job of it as it is. If you do something girly naturally, doesn’t that fit into the “partially female” aspect of you? Should you really be stressed about this thing that is part of what you seem to do naturally, just because it might cue people as to what your true “birth gender” is? I don’t know, I guess it just seems like you should be more concerned with how you feel as a whole rather than what other people see. If wearing dresses and doing most normal girl things makes you uncomfortable and don’t feel like things you want to do, then by george, don’t do them. But if you are trying to force yourself to stop doing the little things like “crossing your legs wrong,” is that really something that’s important into becoming “yourself”?
In terms of how to deal with those feelings, I would just say it’s a matter of doing acts and things that make you feel personally comfortable and worrying less about what people perceive. Yes, I’m sure it’s very important for your self esteem to pass, but you should realize that (as the first answerer said) you are your biggest critic, and most people probably don’t even notice these tiny things. Most guys are really not completely “man,” though they might not want to admit it, and their minusculely fem. actions aren’t necessarily perceived as grounds to question their true gender.
Good luck in your endeavor to de-frustrate. If I’m making any assumptions that are wrong, please correct me.