My husband, for the last 10 years of our marriage, has had a mother who totally depends on him. I mean, she can’t wipe her own *** without him being there. LOL. The last few months she has been the hospital with bad breathing problem. Girlfriend has smoked like a chimney for 50 years. She is 75. She is in stage 4 copd, has heart stints, does a neb 3x’s a day, & her left lung collapse back in 87. She is a walking ashtray. Anyways, she came home with the stip that she quit smoking. She has started again. My husband wants to move in with her but I cannot move in with the smoking. We have another house in another town that I am going to go live in. Even though she has three other kids, my husband is her sole care taker. He has been fixing up her house, but she is a slob & could give a **** about it. She basically uses him but HE LOVES IT. I am going live in our other house because I cannot tolerate the smoke. She also plays games with the “poor me” bit. I’m leaving, is our marriage over?
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November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Wow!!!! Sounds like you need to get “mama’s boy” alone for a minute and explain the reality of your relationship status. If you two really love each other and he also wants this to work then something has to change…and I don’t mean wacking you ma in law! I know she is the cause of her illness and the root of most of the problems, but until he stops giving in and ALLOWING her to use him and stops putting his wife on the back burner….nothing can happen. Communication is the key…talk to your husband and explain how you feel. Don’t give up after 10 years. I wish you the best and hope I have helped.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Shame on you! What a nice DIL you are. Come on it’s his mother and she is 75 and probably on her way out! Have some compasion. Just because you don’t smoke doesn’t mean she can’t. Your husband should leave you!
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I think you are insanely jealous of your mother in law. She is getting what you want and that is your husband’s attention.
It doesn’t matter what she has done or not done or will do. He is going to stick it out with her until she dies. Just hope he is that loyal to you when your time comes.
Whatever his siblings do or don’t do is between him and them. You should not get into it. It is his family, let him handle it.
I would not say another word or give my opinion about another thing unless he asks you to. If he wants to live with her until she dies, that is his decision to make. You can’t force him to stay home with you if his heart and his mind is with mom.
Whatever is there after she passes between you and him, you have to deal with it then. Now is not the time. I would go get some packing boxes.
I have ONE question for you. You said you can’t live in her house because of the smoking. She isn’t supposed to smoke so she sneaks to smoke. She can’t be smoking in the house where you would be, so what is the problem? Just wondered.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
If she truly has all those things wrong with her , I suspect she gonna die. If it were your family member, I wonder if you would be just as cold. I do not think that you are thinking of anyone but yourself, it’s your nose, go ahead and cut it off. Your husband could use some moral support . Maybe he’ll find some one who cares.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Obviously you are at the end of your rope but don’t hang yourself with it yet. Your husband has made the decision to aid his mother until her death so you can suggest a home care helper or move to another house and wait it out. But your husband will remember your inability to offer him your support with a very difficult time so your marriage will be over anyway. Time is on your side but not your inability to understand that this woman is too old and sick to change and that you have decided to make your husband choose his mother over your wishes. I am sorry but check mate.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Alright, here a few suggestions, none of which you are probably going to like.
1. Sell her house and get her a house closer to you. Then hubby can keep a closer eye on her and yet be home with you.
2. See if she qualifies to get help in from medicare, Medicaid, etc. Nursing, housekeeping, general help. If she does, then this will relieve some of the pressure from hubby.
3. Put her in a nursing home (make sure it is close enough to that you don’t have to travel far to keep an eye on her). They also will probably not let her have cigs.
4. A lot of people become helpless with everyday chores as they age. Let her move in with you, but keep throwing the cigs out (make that a condition of her moving in).
5. Get the other siblings involved (it will probably be with a lot of kicking and screaming - I went threw this one). But if you even up helping out with Mom chores it will make life easier.
Good luck.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I hope your kids (or their spouses) don’t feel this way about you when you’re 75 and dying