It is a waste of time and money. Check the statistics. The only way your spouse will change their behavior is if they decide to. They chose to be happy and choose to be jerks. You choose if you want to tolerate it but know that no counselor can rescue you from yourself or your crappy marriage. It is up to you. It is your life. Take control of it.
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November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
After being in an unhappy marriage most of my life, I was forced to realize that no one can change anyone. It’s ultimately up to the individual. Counselors can be helpful to an extent but they too are human and often have biased opinions. You can only “fix” yourself…and if you ‘re truly serious, you realize it’s a lifetime progression….good luck.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
i agree only the combatants can change their behavior.
sometimes with the help of a professional.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
If people choose to change then therapy can help facilitate those changes. You went into therapy with incorrect assumptions and magical expectations.
And if I can say so frankly, much like your marriage.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
You can only fix yourself.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I absolutely agree. I’ve always said you can’t change people. And sadly, although they can change themselves, they rarely do. They may pretend to try to change just to appease someone who is telling them to change (such as a counselor) but deep down inside they are who they are and that’s it. A counselor can only tell you how to tolerate each other better, they can’t change someone to fit your liking. You better go into a relationship with your eyes wide open and make sure you really know someone, because you can’t fix ‘em and you can’t change ‘em.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I disagree. It works if both parties are willing to make it work. It’s people with attudes like yours that doesn’t work for. Sometimes couples need a unbiases thrird party to help figure out their problems.
And for your info, not very one can just “choose” to be happy. Some people need help, be it either counseling or medication.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Of course it won’t fix your spouse, but then again that’s not what it is designed to do. You are absolutely correct that marriage counseling will not change behavior, and that it is up to the individual to effect personal change. But where you and I differ in perspective is in the belief that counseling has no value. It may well be the case that a counselor can offer a perspective to inspire a person to want to change in a way that they couldn’t get from a spouse (because of ineffective arguing, or having too raw a point of view to be heard from their partner). If nothing else, a counselor may be able to get one partner or the other to realize that their spouse doesn’t need to be “fixed”, just listened to. That deepened perspective by itself can work wonders towards broadening a person’s willingness to change.(Most people want to feel validated and appreciated, and that’s nearly impossible to achieve with one person thinking the other person is “broken”. That is a remarkably presumptuous position which presupposes that the other person is “whole”). Stacked up against the costs of dissolving a marriage, the legal divorce, division of assets and assessment of child support and it’s a bargain at any price. Counselors don’t seek to keep people who are ill-suited to each other in bad marriages; they seek instead to get people to properly assess where they really are with each other, find common ground if possible, and part with civility if it’s necessary as well.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
but uhm doesnt the fact the you willing to go to counseling shows there is a effort? some people may still walk out and havent learned much, but at least its worth a try. sometimes people just dont match or develop in different ways.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Yes i think if people they need to talk about problems they shouldn’t go to a counselor they can do it theirself save money and time or just move on
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Marriage counseling isn’t supposed to save the marriage, it’s supposed to help the two spouses learn how to save the marriage.
You are 100% percent correct though, if either of them doesn’t want to change, they won’t, regardless of any therapy availabel to them.
Sorry yours didn’t work.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
well that’s right it takes two ppl. wanting it to work not a counselor trying to fix it…if both parties are not in agreement to fix it wont get fixed…marriage takes work and both have to work to make it work not one but both…you are so right.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
If you’re so happy, why are you slamming something that might allow another couple to be happy?
Counselling works for a lot of people. Keep your nose out of other people’s relationships.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
You’re too negative, go get some counseling, you need help