My husband and I are in the process of looking for a marriage counselor because we have some issues that need to be worked out. Before I throw in the towel, I want to at least be able to say I tried.
Now in fairness to my husband, I wanted to try to find a male therapist. So that he can’t say “She’s a woman, she’s taking your side”. Don’t know if he would go there, but I figured I’d try to avoid all possible setbacks. I’m having a hard time finding male therapists in our area. Most are women. My husband says he’s okay with this and I guess I have no choice really.
The question I have is how to go about choosing a counselor. Do you think you should have things in common with the therapist? Being that we have a child, in your opinion, do you think we should try for a counselor who has children of their own? Or is that a non-issue? I’m just curious if not only book smarts would help, but personal experience as well.
I’ve never done this before, so I apologize if this is a silly question. I just want to be able to get the best help possible for my husband and I. Any advice you can give on how find a good counselor that works best for both of us?
Thanks for your help!
Choosing A Marriage Counselor: Advice Please!?
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December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I recently went through the EXACT same thing. My husband cheated on me and I told him I was going to counseling myself which I did. I got a referral from my personal physician so that my insurance would help pay. When my husband and I decided to get therapy together, I got a referral from my individual therapist. I, too, thought it would be best for my husband to have a male. My own therapist agreed although my husband said he didn’t care either way. We got lucky and the first guy we met with was a good fit but you may have to see a few to find one that you are both comfortable with especially since you are new to the area and it may be difficult to get a good referral.
What you are doing to save your marriage is commendable. I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband to no end as well as our son. Be careful about doing it just for your child though. Your happiness is important too!!!
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Most churches offer marriage counseling. Many states also have a mental health board that does the same.
You do not need to look for one with the same experiences, nor with children. That is not the issue you need to be worried about.
Counseling is a way to get into the open what your issues are with a non-connected person, such as what a mediator would be.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
We saw a female marriage counselor who neither of us had anything in common with. She was a life saver. I would just pick one, try them out, and move on if you aren’t happy. I wouldn’t be too petty, especially with sex. Kudos to you for seeking help, I think everyone benefits from counseling, not just those on the break.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
You should choose a therapist you are comfortable with. There are different styles and types of therapy. Some people want to just talk through their problems and want someone to just listen and give little direction. Others want a therapist who will give advise after listening. You may need to ask questions of several therapists before selecting one.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Get a name from someone you know. Have an open mind but listen to your heart. Therapy is all about the click. If you don’t click with the person, you aren’t going anywhere.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Having provided professional counsel for many couples for years, I have to tell you that trying to match your lifestyle with that of a counselor is not going to guarantee anything. Just because a counselor has children does not mean that counselor is uniquely qualified to counsel other couples with children.
The other thing I have to suggest, in as intense a manner as I can, is to avoid counsel from clergy. While these people can and often do a very good job of assisting people in their relationship with their faith, they are often not trained or qualified in the least to provide couples or family counseling.
Your best starting point is your county mental health agency - they will know all the licensed and certified counselors in your area and can point you to one likely to meet your needs.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
It’s not easy finding the right counselor. You’ve got to give it at least 3-4 visits to be sure you are all working together productively. A good counselor is good no matter what your commonalities are. I usually get a list of 5 referrals or so from my health insurance company and make contact from there. I haven’t had to use the service often, but it’s worked when I’ve needed it. Men or women - both are pretty neutral so gender hasn’t been an issue either. Not a bad apple in the bunch…Good luck! Sometimes you just need that impartial third party to help sort things out…
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
no,your marriage is not over.good that u have decided to meet a counsellor.well,if u feel church counsellors are not the ones for u,u may choose some professional ones,outside the church community.my advice would be,both of u take time to talk it out,it solves a lot of problems,even if u get emotional talk it out,but do’nt flare up or try to argue,if your husband gets angry.it is difficult,but many times when one spouse is silent,it solves further complications.even if u are blamed,unreasonably dont defend at that moment.men,act at a spurt,but later on think and go to the extent of patching up well with their wives.wishes and prayers for your happy life
i trust in god,i know HE is the all knowing person,so thugh it is difficult at times,i trust my all to him,
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
A good councelor does not take sides and it doesn’t matter if she has children or not.
If you choose a good councelor it also does’t matter if they are male or female.
They are there to help you come togeather and help you solve what is wrong in your marriage or at least understand why it won’t work either way you should walk out at the end of many session with an answer or an understanding. You both have to be prepared to listen to each other and tell the honest truth.
Speak to your doctor and get a credited marriage councelor don’t be afraid to ask if they are registered and how long they have been counceling. you don’t want a new trainee
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Hi there.
I’m a psychologist, so hopefully I can help you in some way.
The most important thing in choosing a psychologist is to find someone you connect with. Sometimes this means shopping around. A counselor is going to be hearing the deepest darkest secrets of your marriage, so you want it to be someone that you can both trust. It needs to be someone that you both connect with. If you don’t feel that you can trust and respect your counselor, then you need to get a new one right away. I’m sorry, but looking at names in a psychologist directory isn’t the best way to find a counselor. The best way is to get out there, make an appointment, and see if the two of you feel comfortable. I know many people who’ve seen 2 or 3 before finding the right one, it isn’t uncommon.
Usually whether or not he or she has children is a non issue. It’s about you, not them. They’re experience in here isn’t related. Also, there are many more women counselors than men, yes, but there are men too, so don’t give up hope.
Honestly, my best advice is to set up a consultation. Don’t schedule an “intake.” Intakes are basically processing your information with records and it has very little to do with meeting your possible counselor. The only way to find out if you feel comfortable with him or her is to go and see. If you don’t, then tell them so, and find a new one. It happens all the time in the business.
December 5th, 2009 at 8:56 am
My husband and I are seeing a spiritual counselor at church. It has really been working. He is non-judgemental and only gives Christian advice to those he knows are Christian.
Try checking out the local churches and see if they have any male therapists available. It’s worth a try.
Good for you for stepping up and trying to save your marriage rather than end it, as so many are finding that to be the answer now-a-days!
The best churches to seek couseling are big ones because you’ll find that they are more open-minded and don’t force their religion on you. If you are having a hard time finding any elsewhere, don’t rule it out, it may help! Especially if you’re trying to keep your marriage together.
Good luck, Sweetheart! ~:O)